Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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my nickname in college
next question.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Saturday
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
TRAIN’S HERE
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?