please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice