Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.