You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
getting old is fun
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”