This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
It was worth a shot 😂
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats