My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My blood type is b hungry.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.