Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
5 ways to appear taller
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.