[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
everyone has that one prude friend
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Meow
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.