I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Tell the colonel to bring it
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park