Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
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[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
definitely did not do anything wrong
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.