9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
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What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*watches the world burn*
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Friends that check up on you >
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.