I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You Might Also Like
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
This is my cat’s medicine.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people