Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
So, can we agree on 4 or
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?