Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals