The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship