If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Aight bet
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.