gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
🙂🙃🥹
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.