[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
You Might Also Like
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.