“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
You Might Also Like
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]