*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’