I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Look at this
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think