Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Anyone really
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.