Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
You Might Also Like
Good morning, Twitter x
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
⛄️
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude