I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
You Might Also Like
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.