someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
i smell a pulitzer
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March