[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
You Might Also Like
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
what’s the point then??
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.