“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
You Might Also Like
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.