I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.