Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us