Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
somebody come look at this
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.