If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
twitter is a journey
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof