Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.