If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Netflix and awkward silence?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?