Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me: