I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.