*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves