Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The future is now.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked