[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence