Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.