Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?