*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday