Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I think they could have phrased this better
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that