We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I’m sorry…what?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I am crying
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah