*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
what’s the point then??
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”