Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Just ordered me some pizza!
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”