contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me too
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!