My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.