I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: