Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.