Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
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a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.